Guilt

A couple of months ago, I got mad at my husband.  I didn't hold back.

My pattern has always BEEN told hold back.  If I really, truly told him how I felt, it would hurt him.  I didn't want to hurt him.  When he was hurt, he acted out.  He mismanaged that hurt.  I couldn't handle the GUILT that came with hurting him.  So I would walk away, shove my emotions deep down and then come back.

In short: I was too scared, too full of fear to be fully honest with my husband.
I thought I was being Christ-like and sort of applauded myself for being so skilled at managing my temper.

I scratch my head at that logic now...

My husband did something addiction-related that was not okay with me.  And when he told me about it, I didn't shove anything down.  I wasn't scared.  I told him EXACTLY how I felt.
I was so mad there wasn't any room for guilt.
In fact, the guilt never came!  It didn't come afterward when he yelled at me.  It didn't come after THAT, when I felt like a third person observer and realized just how messed up our dynamic was.  And it didn't even come after that... when I excused myself from our current marriage and took a figurative taxi cab to a safe room with only my name attached to the address.

It still hasn't come, and I'm amazed.  As concerns my decision to be done with our marriage, I don't feel guilt.

But yesterday, I guilt about something else, something addiction related.

A few days ago, before my husband left for training, he told me that lately I've been mean.  It isn't like me, and he misses me.
I've mulled that over since he said it.
No one has ever called me mean.  At least, not since I was living at home with 5 siblings and MIGHT have taken Easter Candy from the smaller ones who couldn't hurt me.

I phoned a friend who has walked this path before to work through some of my emotions, the greatest of which is anger.  I told her I was mad.
She said (I'm quoting her directly), "Good!"

Good.
Good?

Isn't anger bad?  Isn't not Christ-like?
Enter: Guilt.

I made dinner and read scriptures with the kids.  I did dishes (PS: this isn't very normal for me to do ALL of this in one night, so I have to put it in the story somehow so you'll all be amazed that I made dinner, bathed the children, read scriptures, said prayers, AND did dishes!  all in one night!) and the thought came to me as clear as day.

Why haven't I been mean before?  Before recently?

Why NOW?  The sealing covenant I made has been shattered repeatedly, stomped on!  I have been pushed aside time after time after time for other women in the name of fantasy.  And THROUGH IT ALL, I worked harder to be seen!  And I was not seen.
I birthed children through all of this.  I invested and invested and invested.  At times, I was confessed to daily.  And did I cry?  No.  Did I get angry?  No.  Did I tell him how I really felt?  Only after I hit a breaking point after a few YEARS.  And even then, I wasn't mad.  I was just sad.

Isn't that ODD?
There is something WRONG WITH THAT.

There is something wrong with the fact that I was never mean.  The natural woman would be! The natural woman would be angry and probably mean about it all.  Does that mean it's okay?  I don't know.  Probably not.  But natural?  Oh heck yes!
And it SHOULD be that way.  Women SHOULD be upset when they're pushed aside for something else, something superficial and insatiable.  Women should FEEL their true worth and value in the mess!  They should not only know they are enough but feel it as well.

It wasn't until I felt it -TWO short months ago (nine years into the messity-mess) -that I got mad.

This anger is new to me.  It's coursing though me and confusing me.
My friend who rejoiced in my finally feeling it, encouraged me to write a letter to my husband -an angry letter.
What a good idea!  I went through my day yesterday and tried to compose one in my head, but something stopped me.

It was GUILT.

I can't feel angry.  I can't say *this* or *that*.  It isn't Christ-like.

Today, I will work to surrender my guilt.  Today I will hit my knees and ask God to please take it so I can let loose my unfiltered anger, and if I do act in such a way that displeases God, I will make amends.  But for now?  It needs to come out before my entire soul, both body and spirit, become ill.

The fact of the matter is this: I have felt and endured betrayal and haven't been angry about it.
THAT isn't healthy or natural or doing anyone (except the addict) any good at all.

Finding a healthy way to channel my anger is going to be a new journey -a new challenge -a new discovery.

In the meantime, I'll keep two songs on repeat.


(the lyric video using texts is so safe. The official video is pretty... well, let's just say it didn't do much for improving my anger.)