When I was in the "fun" phase of losing as much weight as I could in hopes of being shexy, I printed up a bunch of slips of paper and taped them to my cupboards in a humanishly weak effort to white-knuckle my way into giving up cookie dough for good.
"Nothing tastes as good as it feels to be thin," they said.
I used pink ink and a curly-girly font.
It was a lost cause. The harsh reality is that I can make cookie dough with my EYES CLOSED thereby avoiding any and all forms of reading, be they recipe or daunting little dieting mottos.
Today I was triggered, angry, PMSing and hungry. It all added up to me wanting to escape into something... I sat down at my computer and wondered what TV show I could stream.
I instantly thought of a show I gave up a few months ago. If I tell you what it is, will you promise not to make fun? It's Switched at Birth. Wait... did I already tell you that? Apparently, I have no shame. Which, I'm learning, is IDEAL. So... yay!
Anyway, the show has strayed from the original idea of the complexities of mixed families and physical challenges to boyfriend stealing and Jesus-hating.
Well, not Jesus-hating EXACTLY. But it felt that way sometimes... like Jesus is some old fashioned idea that only weirdies buy into.
It isn't just Switched at Birth I've given up. It's a lot more than that. It's any and all movies that make me uncomfy. It's music that makes me squirm.
I can NEVER make it to the radio dial fast enough to keep Blake Shelton from singing about "hands down, best ever, make up sex."
Ick! Abort! ABORT!
Is it because I'm suddenly the biggest square on the block?
Or is it because my life is so heavy and complicated right now that I absolutely can not gamble with the idea of NOT having the Spirit with me?
Because I'm big into movies (I love stories!) and television shows (I LOVE stories), I always thought one of the hardest things for me to give up would be my shows. But as it turns out, it isn't hard. I'm not pining for them or struggling or constantly thinking about what I'm missing.
I'm kicking it with animated flicks and Andy Griffith and Bonanza and LOVING basking in my old classic movies.
And really: no fleeting emotion ever feels as good as having the Spirit with you.
It's not worth the trade.
The jury is still out on the cookie dough though...
Reading this makes me think of the scripture "draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you" which pairs well with the scripture in Malachi "return unto me and I will return unto you." Funny how recovery makes you cling to the Lord. I've realized that as I try to abandon my shame and cling to the Atonement I don't really care if others think I'm a prude. It only matters what God thinks. Period. End of story.
ReplyDeleteWe've been watching Knight Rider. Awesome. And Macguyver. They were back when the pretty ladies looked normal and wore clothes. And you could think someone was attractive and NOT have sex with them.
ReplyDeleteAwesome.
this smile made me laugh hard :) I want some cookie dough now... hmm. anyway, I can relate for sure. I've ended up giving up all cable and had it turned off in fact. I now just watch netflix and only shows that other addicts or family members have verified to me are safe. If one thing becomes triggering, good bye to the show unfortunately. I just can't gamble that. It's not worth it. And you're absolutely right, nothing feels as good as keeping the spirit with me. I did pine after my lost shows for a while, but really, I don't feel like I'm missing out anymore.
ReplyDeleteand of course by smile, i meant post. lol. but it did make me smile and laugh haha.
Deletep.s.s. - i was logged into my other gmail. lol. just in case you were wondering who I was haha.
DeleteTouch By An Angel is one of my favorite.
ReplyDelete