I was sure I could love him enough.
Fill the void.
I clobbered him with affection, baskets full of sap... I tried losing weight, spicing it up, baking, cleaning.
It wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.
So I pushed harder, farther, NEVER CONTENT with not being enough. I had always been enough. Something like PORN wasn't about to best me.
I set aside myself. The only thing that mattered was being enough, being available at all times.
If porn made him happy, I would be porn. I would be sexy, available AT ALL TIMES, exciting, new, fresh...
Just typing that truth out makes me hurt. Did I really DO that? Yes. Yes, I did do that.
I would follow him around the house. Available. I wouldn't wear it if he didn't like it, wouldn't bake it if he didn't approve. I was the first to reach over in the morning and hold his hand... always saying "I love you." I said it so much, so frequently, it seemed overused and therefore not as sincerely reciprocated (probably because he didn't know how to love back?).
Could he SEE how much I loved him?
Could he FEEL it?
His actions didn't warrant the response I desired, so what did I do?
I pushed harder, farther...
But resentment began to creep in. I resented him. I shoved it down.
Then rejection, dejection, depression, self-loathing began to creep in.
This weekend, I initiated some kissing. THAT'S IT. KISSING. I reached out for his hand first thing in the morning.
That's all it took to dredge up all of those awful, moldy, rotten old emotions.
I recoiled. The wave of emotions ran through and through and through me. Stupid triggers. STUPID trauma. STUPID.
I started thinking about detaching. Detaching is hard. So many times, I've forced detaching. I've pulled away even when all I wanted to do was check his phone. I've left the room, even when all I wanted to do was stay and manipulate information out of him.
As the old emotions of rejection and depression coursed through my soul, I realized something:
Detaching isn't hard. Detachment is simply the natural consequence of emotional health. If I turn to my talents and interests (to Heavenly Father)... if I have personal goals and dreams... if I focus on my health and self-improvement, I WILL BE detached.
It won't be forced or complicated or over-thought.
It will just... BE.
And I will soar.
What more? I WILL BE ENOUGH, and I will see that there never, ever, EVER was a time that I wasn't.