I was sure I could love him enough.
Fill the void.
BE ENOUGH.
I clobbered him with affection, baskets full of sap... I tried losing weight, spicing it up, baking, cleaning.
It wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.
So I pushed harder, farther, NEVER CONTENT with not being enough. I had always been enough. Something like PORN wasn't about to best me.
I set aside myself. The only thing that mattered was being enough, being available at all times.
If porn made him happy, I would be porn. I would be sexy, available AT ALL TIMES, exciting, new, fresh...
Just typing that truth out makes me hurt. Did I really DO that? Yes. Yes, I did do that.
I would follow him around the house. Available. I wouldn't wear it if he didn't like it, wouldn't bake it if he didn't approve. I was the first to reach over in the morning and hold his hand... always saying "I love you." I said it so much, so frequently, it seemed overused and therefore not as sincerely reciprocated (probably because he didn't know how to love back?).
Could he SEE how much I loved him?
Could he FEEL it?
His actions didn't warrant the response I desired, so what did I do?
I pushed harder, farther...
But resentment began to creep in. I resented him. I shoved it down.
Then rejection, dejection, depression, self-loathing began to creep in.
This weekend, I initiated some kissing. THAT'S IT. KISSING. I reached out for his hand first thing in the morning.
That's all it took to dredge up all of those awful, moldy, rotten old emotions.
I recoiled. The wave of emotions ran through and through and through me. Stupid triggers. STUPID trauma. STUPID.
I started thinking about detaching. Detaching is hard. So many times, I've forced detaching. I've pulled away even when all I wanted to do was check his phone. I've left the room, even when all I wanted to do was stay and manipulate information out of him.
As the old emotions of rejection and depression coursed through my soul, I realized something:
Detaching isn't hard. Detachment is simply the natural consequence of emotional health. If I turn to my talents and interests (to Heavenly Father)... if I have personal goals and dreams... if I focus on my health and self-improvement, I WILL BE detached.
It won't be forced or complicated or over-thought.
It will just... BE.
And I will soar.
What more? I WILL BE ENOUGH, and I will see that there never, ever, EVER was a time that I wasn't.
EVER.
EV.
ER.
I did that too. Tried to compete with porn. Bleh.
ReplyDeleteI don't anymore. I re-finding myself this year and I am really liking the new me. The more-improved-in-my-own-opinion me. The person who I always was but was too afraid to be. Because I was too busy competing with porn. And the truth is, I like the real me, so. much. better.
He can take it or leave it.
You rock. And you always have.
I didn't realize that I had done this for 2 YEARS of my life because I didn't want to realize what I was doing. It wasn't until this week that it all RUSHED over me. I can't believe what how much I swept my self-esteem aside just to be "available." Well, no more. no more I tell you.
ReplyDeleteHow do you do it? What do you do when you catch yourself going into those old ways? Competing without realizing your competing? Any tips?
Thank you for your blog
I LEAVE! I physically STOP what I'm doing and just walk away. Then I do something self care-ish like watch an old movie or crochet or take a detox bath or do something that I'm passionate about (like writing). Something that has nothing to do with my marriage or my husband. A walk, a run, a scream into the pillow? But seriously. I stop, I turn away, and I LEAVE.
DeletePS: This is really hard to do at first, and I'm sorry you're dealing with the "realization" emotion. It's good, but it's hard!