- “Masks, Face Coverings and headgear“, Norman Laliberté, Alex Mogelon, Fortune Monte
I have a realistic fear of rejection.
I know the women my husband has seen look nothing like me.
I've seen what they look like. And because I'm a normal, sane wife I look in the mirror and fear the future because of what I've seen.
If he likes THAT, then what is he doing with ME? What does my future look like with HIM?
He will never want me.
My fear of being rejected by my husband is deep-rooted. It is OH so deeply rooted. Weeding it out is proving to be one of the single most monumental things I've ever done in my young life. LABOR -pushing a fully formed BABY out of my body is miles of easier. Miles and miles.
Because I was afraid of being rejected by my husband, I
- let him tell me what outfits I look best in
- let him take care of any and all finances so I wouldn't disappoint him
- let him choose the movie
- and restaurant
- began working out excessively
- bothered to reapply lipstick (who does that? Mary Kay consultants aside) (PS: I live nowhere near a city so IF someone around me is wearing lipstick, their chances of reapplying it are slim to none. I'm not trying to discredit anyone out there who reapplies lipstick.)
- began to fear what others thought of my opinions (see second set of parathensis, above)
- read about a million books on how to be a better spouse
- created a dozen ULTRA creative baskets full of goodies JUST for him and things he loves
- [insert roughly 153 sexual-triggery things I became willing to do even though doing them was way out of my comfortably, happy place -which, as well all know -sex should be]
- tried to keep my house spotless (I failed, miserably)
Rejection is one of my CORE fears when it comes to this. I will say that I've quit doing a lot of the bullet-pointed things I used to do, and that's good. That's progress and that's healthy!
I will also say that I DO STILL FEAR.
And when that fear of rejection is triggered by a beautiful woman, whether in person, online, or on a Cosmo (ugh, Cosmo)... it cracks open the door to crazy in my brain. Satan steps in and directs the rottenest most awfulest symphony.
Fears swirl inside my brain and I go from wondering if someone will break into my car while I sleep to wondering if my baby will die of SIDS to imagining a tornado hitting our house!
Oh, the debris! The howling wind! THE HORROR!!!!!!!
Have I planned my own funeral? YES. How many times? Um, I'm not saying.
It's not a fun place to be, my brain. I wonder why Satan likes it so much. Because he's a fun hater?
Right now, I feel and strongly believe and have actually felt my Father in Heaven reassure me that
I CAN live a life without a nagging fear of rejection.
The how is my next step.
HOW do I live a life without fear?