Monsoons

Arizona Monsoons are brilliant.

Arizona Deserts are moody and impatient.  They turn from parched to drenched in seconds and right back again. 
Last night, we saw a storm in the distance.  We gathered up mowers and toys, moved the dogs inside, filled our little oil lamp up, and unplugged big, expensive electronics.  The storm moved quickly in, lighting up the sky.
Rain pelted everything.
Danny stopped up leaks in our leaky house (leaky houses are more healthy than unleaky houses, just so ya know) and I played the piano.
Our kids tried to relax, but with each big BOOM their eyes got wider.  They looked to us for our reaction... if Mom is okay, then I'll be okay.

"Aren't you glad we live in this little cozy house?" I came up to my kids from behind and wrapped my arms around them, tickling them as I added, "Instead of a GIANT HAUNTED MANSION?!?!"
They squealed and screamed and ironically relaxed a little.

I went into my room to get more yarn for the scrap blanket I'm crocheting (gotta do something with all this sick time.  Hey!  Why not make an ugly blanket for the kids to fight over when I'm gone?) and realized as I switched the light in my room on that I was
SO
TERRIFIED.

The fear dark thunderstorms bring is familiar.  It's the same now as it was when I was 8.
The darkness is what does it.  I've literally slept through a Monsoon Flood during the middle of the afternoon.  But a darkened storm?  My timbers shiver.

I realize the storm, the rumblings and the grumblings, brought on the same stress that my marriage used to (and sometimes still).  You never know when there's going to be a BOOM big enough to rattle you, and the only clarity you're given is bright, instantaneous flashes of light so electric they can almost be blinding.
In the darkest place of my marriage, those electric lights were just as scary as the thunder that followed.  In fact, the closer the light came -the more and more I saw what I could do and started DOING IT -the louder the thunder got, the more the storm raged around me.

With each brilliant flash, I was scared.
Could I stand up for myself?
Could I say I was unhappy?
Would I?

I eventually would when it seemed that any other option (meaning NOT speaking up) seemed more hellish than I could fathom.  The ending result was MORE light.  And, unfortunately, more storm.

I was scared to change, scared to detach from the dark storm, scared of confrontation, scared that I wouldn't be enough on my own.

Lightening is confident.  It makes everything around it brighter -lights up the darkest skies.  It brings fire and gives us some of the GREATEST photo ops.

There is lightening inside of every soul.
It can be scary in the middle of a storm, but you know what?  I think it needs to be.  Because the STORM is scary... the storm needs somebody it's own size.
And lightening is equal to the storm.

Do rainbows come after storms?  Is there peace and tranquility?
People say so, but I generally find there's simply more storms.  I also find there's more beauty in the rainy season than any other.

From Within

Everything came from without during those dark, star-guided days.  My circumstances were my master, others were my Gods.

Any strong answer I had well up from inside was only accepted if my Gods stamped their approval on it.

"Don't have sex right now," my insides would scream, "Please, please stop."  So to counseling I would go, to the phone, to the masses! 
Is it okay for me NOT to have sex right now? I'd ask.

Fear was my constant companion, my guiding star.
Through it all, I was terrified that I would lose my husband.

I was terrified of losing the person who had hurt me, broken my heart and trust, betrayed me and abused me.

So why?  Why was I scared?

Because Danny was God.  Losing Danny meant -in my life and mind -that I would lose the one thing in my life that mattered most.  Danny had my heart fully.  I thought about him everyday.  I wanted -above all -to please him, to make sure he was happy and do his will... even if it meant giving up my own.

I couldn't fathom a world without Danny, without having a marriage with him intact.

But God is a jealous God.  He desires Alicia.

Today, boys and girls, I have NO CLUE if my marriage will last.  I don't know if I will get divorced.  I don't know if someone else will raise my children.  I don't know if Danny will relapse or cheat on me or die in the line of duty.  I have no clue when it comes to my relationship with any mortal human.

BUT OF MYSELF I CAN SAY FOR CERTAIN: I will be okay.

I
Will
Be
Okay.

I have taken a stand I didn't believe I was allowed to take -I stood up to Danny and told him I could not live with him if there was no recovery.  That was risky.  I put my marriage on the line FOR MYSELF.  I realized after one harrowing day of mistreatment that Danny -though important and worthy of love -WAS NOT MY GOD.

My God Hunger had tried for years be filled with Danny which isn't fair to God, Danny or Alicia.  When I began taking my soul appetite to righteousness (it's all very "Blessed are those who do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled") and filling it with GOD HIMSELF, I began to bask in the freedom that comes with leaving the past with the Savior and the future in the hands of God.

Will my marriage be okay?
Who knows.
Will I be okay?
Definitely.  

My God is loving, constant, aware, prepared, all-knowing and He WILL NOT FAIL ME.  He will not leave me.  He will not betray me, control or manipulate me. 

God did not want me in my marriage as it was.  He was NOT okay with the conditions, the absence of safety and the dysfunction because both Danny and I are better than what we were perpetuating.  

Danny rationalized his addiction just as much as I rationalized his behavior.

God desired me -He wanted me to see myself, to start me on the path of living, of becoming who I would be. 

I am His.  We are intimately connected in a way no mortal can play-out.  Ours is a transcendent love -ratting the cages of fear and glaring light into the darkest corners of shame. 

God touches my center, and I can do all things.  I learn, I seek.  Calmness settles on me, and I become sensitive to it's absence.  My anxiety is quieted.

I am free from abuse.
I have the answers to my life's questions within.
I have the capacity to change.
I am an agent unto myself.

And so I row into the Sun today, and we talk about life's daily duties.  We talk about my failures and we talk about my victories and in the calm chapel of nature, God's presence envelopes me.

Please, I plead, my sweet sister -the power to break free from abuse is WITHIN YOU.

God is waiting.
He desires YOU.
He will not fail.

If Fear is your guiding star, remember The Sun -don't sacrifice an internal, eternal summer for starry darkness.