Where My Demons Hide

Not so very long ago, I listened to Elder Holland give a definition of The Soul.  It isn't synonymous with "spirit" but the combination of the body AND spirit.  I've known that, I guess.  But something about that has hit home over and over again since then.

My body loves this earth -it loves to binge on food, chocolate and Dr. Pepper.  It loves television and money and flesh.  It has such an appetite.

My spirit loves heaven -it misses heaven.  I loves love, charity, beauty, grace, family.

If I could create a cool Venn Diagram, I would.  But all cards on the table, I had to spend a full 2 minutes googling around because I couldn't remember what the name of those circle chart thingies are.
VENN DIAGRAMS.

Math-ish Stuff,
You will forever evade me.

There is a hefty beautiful overlap between my body and my spirit.  It's filled with good music, beach sand, pine trees, miles of flat desert and fresh air.  Sometimes I lock eyes with my daughter and touch heaven.  Meditation brings me to the pearly gates.  Pushing my cold hands into warm, soapy water as the sun sets beyond the window that sits over my sink... that is one of those moments.
Harmony moments.

I disrupt harmony by listening to music that isn't the best.  I have the utmost respect for Eminem's talent.  That man has a WAY with words.  When I turn up one of his classics, there's a disruption in harmony -a dissonance.  I feel the same way after spending an entire day binge watching a series.
Dissonance Moments.

My Dissonance Moments quickly bring out my shame.
In the spirit of, "Inside Out" I will just say this: 78% of the "driving" in my mind is done by Self-Judgement.
I can't decide if she looks like a witch or demon or just a droopy, sad figure.
Maybe she doesn't even know.

My shame is mostly self-judgement.
How could you?
You piece of crap.
Those who know better, do better.  Except you. Because you're a freak.
You drive people away.
You're screwing up your kids.


The list goes on, but I'm feeling some pain here... so I'll stop.

How do I turn my dissonance back into harmony?  Christ.
I don't always do that, though.  Sometimes I reach for my measuring cups and my Doris Day Pandora station and I cook while she sings about pillow talk and black hills.  Harmony and balance start to creep back in.  I like to deny stuff.  I like to deny my worth:

I don't matter enough to Christ.
I'm not important.  He is.  And He's got enough to deal with, thankyouverymuch.

I'm realizing that I deny my body A LOT.  I don't want to face the appetites of my body.  I don't want to hold a very clean mirror up and look at myself objectively and say, "Okay, you want ALL OF THAT.  Now what?"
If I hide my body's appetites -even from myself -what the hell am I even doing here?
How can I possibly fully heal?  How can I live genuinely from my beautiful soul?  I'm slamming half of it down daily.

In some of my reading, I came across a quote.

I spent some time with it and made it fancy so it would be sure to know how much I appreciate it:

Accept myself?
Can I do that?
The past says, "no."

Am I brave enough to make this kind of an inventory?  To write down:
Who my body is
What my body wants
Who my spirit is
What my spirit wants

Look it over objectively without leaning toward one team or the other because THEY ARE THE SAME SOUL TEAM and then just

Accept?

This is Step One.  Acceptance.  I know I'm not the only one out there saying, "I will forever be on Step 1."
I think I've had times where I've thought, "I accept me.  SO GRATEFUL because self-acceptance is a sucky bucket of a journey."  But now I realize I've only accepted *parts* of me...

The parts of me that talk too much
The parts of me that look for humor everywhere
The parts of me that parent differently
The parts of me that won't ever look like they did when I was 21.

But what about the parts I've denied?

Heaven help me.  This is going to be such a sucky bucket.
But as a music major, can I just say? Harmony is worth it.  Dissonance is just the worst.

I've spent so much time playing God -trying to save myself, trying to save others.  But I've also spent so. much. energy judging.  I judge myself, I judge others.

These realizations will be painful, they will be me stepping into my mess.  I don't know what the ending result will be, not completely.  But I do know that I will come out of it with peace, and with that Soul Peace, I will be able to withhold self-judgement and others-judgement.

I will render unto God that which is God's... my demons.

A few days ago, I heard this song in the back of my mind.  I began humming as I walked around my house. When I had a minute, I pulled it up on youtube.  When God wants to tell me something, He pops a song in my head.  The message in this song felt Godless, so I listened to it until I found God.

God's telling me He wants my demons.  But in order to give them over, I have to recognize them.  This means I'll sit in church and wonder who I am really.  Who everyone around me is.  I have to let myself down, let my self-judgement fall as I take God's name upon me each week.

I'm handing my judgement over, Lord.  

I will sit fallen next to other fallen people.  I will let myself fall.  I will let others fall.
Can I face this?  Not alone.
I can't escape this now unless You show me how.

Kickin' Up Dust

Danny and I have this nerdy book club going on where we read the same scriptures individually and then discuss them later on.
Except it's not organized and there's no cucumber sandwiches.  It's mostly us discussing Christ over dirty dish water while the children punk each other in the background.

It is ALL good.

As I (we?) have read the New Testament, I keep finding Christ teaching the principles of the 12-steps, and it has been so validating for me!  I get some push back for working the steps because, well, they're "not scriptures" and I shouldn't neglect my spirituality for the sake of a therapy program thingy.
But they go SO hand-in-hand.  So very much.

In Matthew, The Savior speaks to his disciples (of which I'm striving to be and even cross my legs like one...) about shaking the dust off their feet.
I've read that before.  I've seen that before.
But I mean... I READ that the other day.  And I SAW it.

 

(aHEM.  I like pink.)

Whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, SHAKE OFF THE DUST OF YOUR FEET.

I read it over time and time again.

How many times had I felt -HAVE I felt -unheard?  unwelcomed?  

How many times have I taken those situations and tried to manage them, tried to fix them, tried to help others see...

Tried to manage their perception of myself?  as if I had the DUTY to manage and control others.

I didn't know I could surrender at the time.  Surrender has always been -for me -an elusive sort of balloon that I load full of my unmanageables and send on up to Heaven.  It was something I imagined myself doing, and I always felt like I was leaving a message on a Celestial answering machine.

"Hello, God?  This is Alicia Again.  I was just calling about _______, _________, ________.  That's why the balloon is coming.  So, uh.  BYE."

Learning the process of surrender seemed awkward and imaginary and TOO easy... 

But as I read those words, everything clicked.  

Balloons, it turns out, aren't my forte.

But dust?  Dirt?  MUD?  Soil?  THESE I understand.  And how I love the idea of kicking it off and leaving it for the Lord to manage.

I find myself in certain situations kicking the mud from my tennies and saying, 

"God, I just walked OUT of a situation that is thoroughly pissing me off/making me insane/confusing me/breaking my heart/scaring the crap out of me and I feel like I was unseen, unheard, and powerless.  I WANT to continue investing.  I want to be heard and seen.  I want to manage this outcome.  I feel the urge to CONTROL. The urge is strong with this one (and I point to myself and laugh because my God GETS movie quotes).  BUT instead, I'm going to kick it off... I've walked around and gathered the dust of this situation all OVER my shoes, so I'm going to kick it off and leave it here for Thee.  This isn't easy for me to do.  I want to keep the mud, but I trust you know better what to do with matter and mortals than I do.  Can you help me get this caked on part off?  Even if I fight?  I'm trying not to..."

And there I sit on the porch of my pathway and stomp my feet.

The dust flies up into my desert and I breathe in fresh air.

I think of D&C 75:19-20

"19) And in whatsoever house ye enter, and they receive you, leave your blessing upon that house. 

20) And in whatsoever house ye enter, and they receive you not, ye shall depart speedily from that house, and shake off the dust of your feet as a testimony against them."

I like the thought of leaving a dust pile, dust devil, dirt path... leaving it as a testimony of my surrender.  Walking AWAY from IT rather than watching my balloon float away from me.  

Does that a hill of beans sense, friends?

This concept is SO powerful for me.  I shared it with my husband through our Cazh' Book Club (that's the casual form of casual, I'm pretty sure) via the picture I posted above.  And now he texts me pictures of high heels when I'm trying to shake dust.

It's truly adorable how classy he mistakes me to be.

Heels... *chortle*

I don't always think to surrender things right away.  Of course I don't.  More often than not, I choose to walk around in the dust of the situation like the pigs who live behind my house.

WALLOW in the dust until it becomes caked on my shoes.  

Surrender is only as simple as I make it.  God will let me surrender at my own pace and in my own time.  I can choose to make it a simple process of my prayer (written above), a phone call to a trusted person (sponsor), and writing it down to put in my God Jar.

OR I can keep it quietly, try and manipulate my own control, feel my heart pump and race and my head spin out of control... and in those times, surrender becomes increasingly and measurably and infinitely more difficult.

But still possible.

And still a life-giving miracle.

Step One Be Like

I have been in stitches over this proverb all morning.  It is now written by Step One in my 12-step handbook.

I'm adopting it as my new mantra -the perfect blend of humor and wisdom.