Trust -An Inside Job

I once heard a podcast from Sterling W. Sill that changed my life.  I kept streaming it, entranced by his voice.  I listened to it while I worked and walked, and now that youtube has made life so awesome, I can listen to Sterling W. Sill while I do yoga.  That, friends, is the life.

In his talk, he gives a formula for success -he says that happiness and success are "An Inside Job."  We create it from within ourselves and send it out into the world.
That which we cast upon the waters comes back to us, and all that.

I think I've told you how I buy stuff now.  This is a big deal, a big big thing.  I used to ONLY buy songs on iTunes when I had a gift card, and even then... I was terrified to use it.  What if I WASTED IT on songs that weren't worthy?
THANK GOODNESS Sterling W. Sill's podcast was free.  Mormons are always so sweet about giving their gospel away.

I buy songs now.  I mean, I really buy them.
I give them away a lot too which means I just purchased 100 CDs on Amazon and some sleeves to hold them.  I buy stuff on Amazon.
I bought stuff at the health food store last week.  For myself.

And I don't feel guilty.  I feel good, even.  There's something so exciting about the health food store, right?  It's earthy and smells all at once like coffee and powdered supplements.  There's milk IN GLASS JUGS and honey that costs $50.  I love that I can find yoga pants and homemade soap right next to an entire aisle of flours made out of everything except wheat.  If you're patient and brave, you can crank out your own peanut butter.
It's like Disneyland!
Except more expensive.
And no corn dogs.

I realized the other day that I have books I need to finish.  That means I also bought books for myself. I have a good little group of books to finish.
"Man's Search for Meaning," by Viktor Frankl
A Yoga Book by Baron Baptiste
"Let's Eat Right to Keep Fit," by Adelle Davis
"Death Comes to Pemberley," by P.D. James
"Aura Personalities" by Staci Sadler -a super fun read if you're into studying personalities which I, an avid people watcher, am.

Tonight I bought, "Intimacy Anorexia" by Doug Weiss.
Two years ago, I wasn't reading books at all because
1) They cost money and
2) They burned me.  I believed books more than God and ended up in a WORLD of trouble.

I've learned now that I just need to LISTEN to God as I read.  He lets me know what matters and what doesn't... what is true and what isn't.

These changes are all pretty cool because they're a sign of something I've been searching for: LOVE.
I've talked about this before, so sue me.  But don't stop reading.

So while I am finding a deep and abiding love for my divine self, I am also finding respect for myself as well.  I don't always respect myself, but I'm learning.  I'm progressing.

But here's my question -the one I'm sending out into the dark void I love so much: when does trust come in?
Love, respect and then trust?
Because although I buy songs on iTunes when they move me (or my booty), and although I'm taking $30 honey (couldn't spring for the $50, you know me) in my warm water, I'll be DANGED if I don't trust myself.

I trust my gut.
But do I do what I say I'm going to?
DO I?
No.  No I don't.  Not usually, but sporadically.  That's hardly a formula for success, and I think Sterling W. Sill would agree with my calculations: not a formula for self-trust.

Trust has come up in my lingo a lot these days.  It's the biggest and majorest hurdle at hand in my marriage.  I so appreciate Brene Brown's video on The Anatomy of Trust because it helps me wrap some sense and wordage to what I'm feeling and struggling with.
The feelings while listening went something like: yes, yes, YES!  Okay, I'm not crazy or expecting too much.  YES!  I love this acronym... I love it.  It makes so much sense!  Boundaries, yes.  Accountability, YES!...
oh.
oh.
oh, hell.
Oh helly hell.

Girl, we've got work to do.

She built up this really, REALLY succinct message about how trust is built and right at the last minute when she HAS you, really has you, she turns it around and says something incredibly profound like, "we have to trust ourselves before we accept trust from others."
An Inside Job.

God's latest message to me has been, "to accomplish a large goal, do one thing at a time."

This message has been coming through for weeks, and I hear it.  But I've been shrugging going, "Okay, YES.  But WHAT IS THE LARGE THING?  The large goal?"

I believe it is building trust with myself.
It's a hard row to hoe.  And I surely know how to tackle those and surely know how much I hate it in the beginning, wear out in the middle and feel like a sweaty champ of the entire garden at the end.

What's the first step?  I feel like I could work the 12-steps JUST for this issue, and I plan on it.  I added a column to my Step 4 for all of the times I've broken trust in relationships with others and myself.  How long will it take to write down all of the times I haven't trusted God?
Hard stuff.

I will take the advice of someone I revere, right along with Sterling W. Sill:

Not in my Hands

Years ago, I gave my husband to God -I'd kept him for years, audacious enough to somehow believe that he belonged to me.
It's all very 50's doo-wop and romantic-sounding... with *just a hint* of maniac control.

Now that I've done my best to dust that kind of mentality on my mom jeans, I still find myself running into situations that are
FULLY

out of my hands.

It's one thing when porn isn't looked at.  Sobriety on the part of the addict somehow mandates my being MORE okay, right? I mean, not 100% ship-shape, but... better?

I somehow feel like asking for SOBRIETY AND RECOVERY is too much.  It makes me high strung and mean and impatient... unkind, lacking compassion.

But the truth is: Danny never was in my hands or my power or control.  He acted as he would.
And when I finally, finally, FINALLY accepted that and let go completely... I found that trust is something I had to let go of as well.

He may be sober, but there is no trust.  Will there ever be?

Who can know?

The "T" Word

Recovery is awesome.

It has led me to peace, to healing.  It has pulled me out of a life of craziness, a life full of lies believed and lived.
I can keep ME safe.  I can work on ME.  I can control what I can control.
I am finding MY OWN way to MY OWN healing.

BUT.
I have serious trust issues with my husband.  My own healing is hard, but it's moving along.  I'm learning and growing and changing -a new world is opening before my eyes. 

Still, no matter how much the Savior heals me, I have trust issues with my husband.

I have mourned this -I've gone through grief and mourning because I can't trust my husband.  Trust SHOULD be in marriage. 
And that's HIS job.  It's his job to begin to repair that trust, to reinstate that kind of trust.

Right now, he's saying so many things to me -and I DO hear them, but I don't feel them.  I feel almost like an objective listener, like he's a contestant on a reality show about porn addiction and I'm sitting on the couch with my indulgent trail mix.
"What's going to happen next, I wonder..."

I don't trust what he says. 

I don't trust mankind.  MANkind.  I'm sort of disenchanted with the whole sex.  I'm suspicious of men.

The result is that I find myself trusting wholeheartedly in The Lord -more than I ever have in my entire life.  I trust The Lord with my will, my life, my choices, my future, my prayers, my thoughts, my children, my husband, and especially my children.
I haven't always.
In the past, I've relied heavily on others, on google, and on tangible resources. 

I HATE that it's taken something as mean as what I'm going through now to get me to the point where I've dropped any and all trust in mankind and held firmly to my Heavenly Father.  I trust in Him.  I hope in Him.
I will go the distance with Him.

I wish that I could have gotten to this point without having to be pushed so far. 
But it is what it is.

And I'll tell you something else that surprises me: I do not trust myself.  I am part of mankind. 

Only when the Spirit speaks to me do I trust myself.  Only when my gut -the inner voice led and guided by The Spirit -leads me and guides me do I have any degree of trust in myself.

And so I trust only in the Savior, in The Lord, in The Spirit.  And as my husband trusts in and follows the same Master, I begin to trust.

Trust will be rebuilt... but not in men.
Never in men.
 

I Relate

For so many years I would say, "I trust you" to my husband, but I didn't really.  I WANTED to trust him, and I felt like if I said it enough times it might actually appear.  Like Beetlejuice!

What I didn't realize was that I was just putting my head in the Lion's mouth.

Today, I'm proud to own my distrust.

I'm no longer a player in the circus.
I'm no longer performing.
The Porn Carnival must and will go on without my head in the lion's  mouth.