Less-Worried

I brought a lot of books to our marriage.  Poor Danny had no idea what he was getting into, no idea that I dreamed of one day filling an entire room with The Written Word and fancy leather chairs and maybe a few smoking jackets for good measure.
I had classics I'd collected (some bought, some stolen from a high school that shall remain nameless...), a beat up slam poetry book, scriptures, churchy books, a book about a woman named Alicia who lost her entire family during WWII!  As the years went on, I collected more and more.
One year for Christmas Danny bought me a bookcase, and I filled it.  FILLED it.
Last summer, I tried that Kondo Method of cleaning where you get rid of books that don't fill your gills with guts and glory, and I think I tossed the slam poetry book and one of Dr. Laura's books about feeding husbands properly or some shizz like that.
I guess slam poetry lost some luster between midnight feedings and overdraft fees...
I won't even get started on why Dr. Laura doesn't bring me joy.

In fact, I'll drop all the booky stuff and just say what I came to say: Danny has a mountain of cop books (case law is apparently very important), so he gets the bottom shelf.
His one other contribution to our bookcase is THREE paperback books by CS Lewis: the first three in the Narnia series.  He'd picked them up as a kid and just sort of never let loose of them.

Having fallen in a sort of fantastical love with the way Lewis moves words around, it started to bug me that I'd never read them.  Danny and I have been trying to read them together.

As we've read his words, I keep thinking about a quote of his that has meant so much to me.  I wanted to share it here:

“[To have Faith in Christ] means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice. Thus if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get to Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you.”

It reminds me so much of Step 3, but also?  It is what recovery is to me daily.  Handing myself, my will and my day over to God because I trust Him -THAT is the goal that SOMEtimes I meet and SOMEtimes I don't.  I think of another great wordsmith, one Dr. Seuss, who said very wisely,

"You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't.Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say sobut, sadly, it's truethat Bang-upsand Hang-upscan happen to you."

Bang-ups and Hang-ups.  I was reading in my scriptures today about how God GIVES us weaknesses, and I got hung-up on that word, "gives."  Such a positive word. God gives us all good things, so surely my weaknesses must be good?  I recently listened to a Monk talk about how he quit having panic attacks when he accepted the panic as his friend.  He quit fighting it and accepted it.  

In 12-step talk, I think we'd say, "he surrendered it."

Because you can't surrender something unless you've accepted it.

I think back a few months ago to the sacred time I spent with my Granny who gently rubbed my feet and talked of the time in her life when she was left alone with eight children.  How did she survive that?

With God.

"I'm so grateful for those days," she said, "I didn't know it then, but God was giving me exactly what I needed.  I see it now, and I just remind myself when things get hard that God is always giving me what I need.  He is so compassionate."

Compassionate because He gives us adversity.

Generous because He gives us weaknesses.

It seems counter-intuitive, but honestly, I don't think God is much interested in the intellect of men and their worldly philosophies.  I think He's more interested in truth, simplicity, peace, meekness (the less-mentioned virtue, the underestimated underdog!), charity, love, humility, purity of heart, and willingness.

A less-worried world is what God is after.

A world where men worry less about battlefronts and more about the divine smolder sparking around inside of their own chests.

A world where the battlefronts surrender to the love of a neighbor.

Lately my life has taken on a small shift that has made a big difference, like the small shift in a track that causes a train to land in one city rather than another.

Life has become much less about RECOVERY and much more about simply HEALING and living genuinely with my whole heart forward.  I can't imagine I'll ever be off this track, and though I'm sure I'll miss out on ending up in a City That Might Have Been, I'll end up in A New City more suited to my needs.

A less-worried city.

 

Works When I Work It

On Sunday, I went to a class with a lot of ladies.
Did your teeth just clench a little?  Mine did.  A lot of ladies can sometimes feel very, very daunting.  I usually come away going, "I'm so glad I did that" but there have been a few times where I've walked away going, "NEVER AGAIN."  Those few bad experiences seem to have a pretty strong effect, unfortunately.

As I listened to the teacher talk about how prone women are to comparing themselves to each other, I felt a question creep up.  I didn't want to ask it for several reasons.
#1) In the past, I have worked hard to SAY THE RIGHT THINGS... not to enrich but to show how good I was.  I wanted people to think I was a good person because if they thought I was, then I was.  The opinions of others were my God, of sorts.  I was a slave, self-made.
#2) I didn't want to hi-jack the lesson.  I know what it's like to teach and have a lesson derailed by a questions.
#3) It was vulnerable.

I prayed and checked my motivations, asking God if I should ask... I felt that I should, so I did.

"A few weeks ago, I had a friend visit.  Our personalities were different and our gifts are different, and for the first time in my life I felt enriched and inspired by her.  Usually, I feel threatened when other women shine in their gifts, as if something is wrong with me.  I'd love to hear from some more experienced sisters what helps them?  What tools they employ in situations where another woman is shining and they start to feel threatened or worthless?"

Immediately, the woman sitting in front of me reached back and touched my knee, lending sweet support which I really appreciated.  I think I know the answer here, but I felt I should ask.  Being teachable is important to me, and I'm not very good at it.
One woman shared her experience studying different personality types, how understanding HOW and WHY people are different helps her when people who are different from her rub her wrong.

I have found a lot of help studying this as well -I don't want to work Step 4 for others, but it has been VERY helpful to study the strengths and weaknesses of different personality types.  I often find myself nodding at God and going, "This all makes sense.  You put all kinds of people together to life and strengthen each other... it's perfect and beautiful.  We're all one, but we are all different.  Amazing."

Then came the *zing*.
One woman shared her own experience and while I can't remember the exact words, I do remember the exact feeling.  She said it hadn't been her experience to feel threatened or intimidated by other women shining... ever.  She only ever felt inspired by other woman as they shone.
As she spoke I felt pretty, well, dumb.  Broken.  Not enough.  Very, very dumb.

The woman sitting next to me sat up straighter, as if in a sort of panic and immediately reached for my back, holding it.  Maybe she was hoping to shield me?  I don't know.  I do know that she felt the blow with me.

Another woman shared, through tears, how finding her own divinity -her own self-worth -was vital in her journey... that comparing herself and feeling not enough was something she struggled heavily with, but when she focused only on her own stuff, everything else fell into place.

A fourth woman shared how she employs gratitude, how grateful she is for women who help her teach her children... some women can reach her children in ways she can't, and how grateful she is for them.

A few minutes later, I had to leave the class.  It hadn't ended yet, but I had something at my house that needed attention.  I wasn't too sad about leaving.  The brave thing would have been to STAY and FACE it all, but I breathed a sigh of relief as I walked down the empty hallway toward the parking lot.

In my truck, I reached for my phone.  Who could I call?  Who?  I needed to vent.  I stopped my hand in mid-air.  Another thing I struggle with is relying on others instead of God.  I pulled my hand back and started praying out loud.
"God, that hurt.  Not lethal.  But it hurt.  Am I just thoroughly broken?  Unworthy of JUST GETTING OVER IT?  I even wish I was above being hurt by something so petty.  Am I just not resilient?  Okay, okay, okay... even now, I comparing myself.  The ladies all had so much to share, and if I take what they say... studying personality types, finding inspiration, finding gratitude, practicing developing my self-worth and cultivating divinity... okay, okay... There's a sort of path in all that, right?  There's something..."
I tapped my steering wheel as I turned onto my road, "If I find self-worth and root myself in my identity as a Daughter of God, then I can practice gratitude for the gifts of others.  With that gratitude I can move into curiosity and begin to study others as they shine, appreciate what their gifts contribute to the whole, to the community, see them as children of God as well.  Then I could see inspiration coming."
Everything fell into place.
I still felt pain, but the sting of it had eased substantially.  I continued to pray, to lay my pain on God.

A few minutes later, I was eating a beautiful Sunday lunch with my family and I was PRESENT.

I wasn't obsessing or angry or seeking vindication or validation.  I was okay, really okay... not pretending okay.

I still wish I was the kind of person who wasn't HIT by comments like that.  What she said really had nothing to do with me at all, AT ALL.  It wasn't a direct or malicious comment.

That evening, I checked my phone and saw two facebook messages and one text -all from women who had been there.  None of the messages were filled with hate or gossip, only appreciation.
One simply said, "Thanks for your vulnerable question today."
I checked when it had been sent -it was sent in the middle of class.  Like the woman next to me who held my back, this sweet woman "held my back" by reaching out and sending me a message as fast as she possibly could.

I smiled at her message and went to my step 4 inventory -something I'm looking over again.  I added, "vulnerability" to my assets.  What a crazy asset.
On one side of the coin, I can experience deep connections with amazing women -amazing!  The women in my close life are deeply incredible women.

On facebook one day, I reached out because the day was sucky.  Not horrible or the worst day ever, but just truly a dumb, dumb day.  The responses I got were hilarious.  Seriously.
My friends posted memes and jokes that just made me smile and laugh out loud!  There was one or two "fixy" comments, but overall, my heart just burst.  Someone commented, "you have the best friends."
I DO!  I truly do!  My friends are all ready to handle REAL, and they WANT REAL.  They treasure it and place high value on things that matter (like cat memes, fur real).

The women who messaged me were all women I really admire.  That fact alone validated my vulnerability -it attracts really gorgeous souls.

On the other side of the coin is this horribly painful feeling that maybe I'm walking around the earth wearing nothing.  Except my weaknesses.  People often say things without meaning to hurt, but because I have little armor on, I feel the full WHAM-O.

But guess what?
Guess what?
God is ready to take that WHAM-O.  I can sit and lick it... and I have done that before.  I probably will again sometime.  But yesterday was a victory.  A recovery victory.

One of the women present in the same class said, "If the work I do in my head were somehow visible... like if the work my mind does in one day was represented by a garden that people could see, I think they would be amazed."

Oh, yeah.  Isn't that the truth?
Recovery is like that too.  I work it, but there isn't anything visible really -I mean my house is trashed and my 3 year old daughter carts her toy phone around and whispers, "Shhhh, I'm in a meeting."

It feels defeating most days.  Like, "what am I even doing?!?!"

But Sunday was a big pay off day.

I didn't camp out in victim.
I wasn't able to remember exact words I felt were aimed at me (I usually remember PERFECTLY).
I reached out to God first.
I prayed.
I LET GO.
I enjoyed the rest of the day.
I connected deeply to women I admire because of my vulnerability.

When my husband asked how my class had gone, I told him, but I struggled to remember exactly what had happened.  I remembered what I'd learned... and that made me laugh.
"It works when I work it," I chuckled, quoting from the s-anon script.

I did get a text from the woman who made the *zing* comment, apologizing if she'd offended me.  I told her no, that I was fine.
Then I erased it and said, "it did sting."
Because I added something else to my inventory that day: I lie to avoid confrontation sometimes.

Self-discovery is an adventure, ladies.  It's a journey of owning up, of saying, "God, that wouldn't have hurt if I wasn't reacting from a place of pride... take this pain and forgive my pride."

Today in group, we read Step 3.  I had never noticed that in Step 3, it refers to trying to handle everything myself as slavery.
SLAVERY!
How true that is!  Self-inflicted slavery of the rottenest kind.

But God has offered me glorious freedom from the captivity of my own mind.
I need only choose it.

I don't always.
But Sunday, I did.  And that is a victory worth appreciating.

Kickin' Up Dust

Danny and I have this nerdy book club going on where we read the same scriptures individually and then discuss them later on.
Except it's not organized and there's no cucumber sandwiches.  It's mostly us discussing Christ over dirty dish water while the children punk each other in the background.

It is ALL good.

As I (we?) have read the New Testament, I keep finding Christ teaching the principles of the 12-steps, and it has been so validating for me!  I get some push back for working the steps because, well, they're "not scriptures" and I shouldn't neglect my spirituality for the sake of a therapy program thingy.
But they go SO hand-in-hand.  So very much.

In Matthew, The Savior speaks to his disciples (of which I'm striving to be and even cross my legs like one...) about shaking the dust off their feet.
I've read that before.  I've seen that before.
But I mean... I READ that the other day.  And I SAW it.

 

(aHEM.  I like pink.)

Whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, SHAKE OFF THE DUST OF YOUR FEET.

I read it over time and time again.

How many times had I felt -HAVE I felt -unheard?  unwelcomed?  

How many times have I taken those situations and tried to manage them, tried to fix them, tried to help others see...

Tried to manage their perception of myself?  as if I had the DUTY to manage and control others.

I didn't know I could surrender at the time.  Surrender has always been -for me -an elusive sort of balloon that I load full of my unmanageables and send on up to Heaven.  It was something I imagined myself doing, and I always felt like I was leaving a message on a Celestial answering machine.

"Hello, God?  This is Alicia Again.  I was just calling about _______, _________, ________.  That's why the balloon is coming.  So, uh.  BYE."

Learning the process of surrender seemed awkward and imaginary and TOO easy... 

But as I read those words, everything clicked.  

Balloons, it turns out, aren't my forte.

But dust?  Dirt?  MUD?  Soil?  THESE I understand.  And how I love the idea of kicking it off and leaving it for the Lord to manage.

I find myself in certain situations kicking the mud from my tennies and saying, 

"God, I just walked OUT of a situation that is thoroughly pissing me off/making me insane/confusing me/breaking my heart/scaring the crap out of me and I feel like I was unseen, unheard, and powerless.  I WANT to continue investing.  I want to be heard and seen.  I want to manage this outcome.  I feel the urge to CONTROL. The urge is strong with this one (and I point to myself and laugh because my God GETS movie quotes).  BUT instead, I'm going to kick it off... I've walked around and gathered the dust of this situation all OVER my shoes, so I'm going to kick it off and leave it here for Thee.  This isn't easy for me to do.  I want to keep the mud, but I trust you know better what to do with matter and mortals than I do.  Can you help me get this caked on part off?  Even if I fight?  I'm trying not to..."

And there I sit on the porch of my pathway and stomp my feet.

The dust flies up into my desert and I breathe in fresh air.

I think of D&C 75:19-20

"19) And in whatsoever house ye enter, and they receive you, leave your blessing upon that house. 

20) And in whatsoever house ye enter, and they receive you not, ye shall depart speedily from that house, and shake off the dust of your feet as a testimony against them."

I like the thought of leaving a dust pile, dust devil, dirt path... leaving it as a testimony of my surrender.  Walking AWAY from IT rather than watching my balloon float away from me.  

Does that a hill of beans sense, friends?

This concept is SO powerful for me.  I shared it with my husband through our Cazh' Book Club (that's the casual form of casual, I'm pretty sure) via the picture I posted above.  And now he texts me pictures of high heels when I'm trying to shake dust.

It's truly adorable how classy he mistakes me to be.

Heels... *chortle*

I don't always think to surrender things right away.  Of course I don't.  More often than not, I choose to walk around in the dust of the situation like the pigs who live behind my house.

WALLOW in the dust until it becomes caked on my shoes.  

Surrender is only as simple as I make it.  God will let me surrender at my own pace and in my own time.  I can choose to make it a simple process of my prayer (written above), a phone call to a trusted person (sponsor), and writing it down to put in my God Jar.

OR I can keep it quietly, try and manipulate my own control, feel my heart pump and race and my head spin out of control... and in those times, surrender becomes increasingly and measurably and infinitely more difficult.

But still possible.

And still a life-giving miracle.