I feel compelled to write. I feel compelled to record everything -I take pictures of everything, cry about moments passed, happy or otherwise. My family teases me about this, hates the way I point cameras in their faces.
Don't blog this.
Is it because they feel unworthy of being recorded in some way?
I guess the whys don't really matter. The only thing that really matters is what I think of me and what I know about me and that is simply: I feel compelled to record everything which means God wants me to.
It's hard to let go of those other voices, though. Sometimes it's easier than others, but lately it's been a hard battle. So loud, those voices. Lots of them coming at me -some coming at me from within me.
Someone else could do it better.
Someone else has done it better.
Someone else is cleaner.
Someone else is quieter.
These voices used to rule my life, my decisions. I didn't even know they weren't truth.
So there's progress there. Now I can see them for what they are. Lately, they've been so present and loud. I just keep thinking... God is up to something. Great inspiration and enlightenment seem JUST on the other side of heated battles like these.
Today my mind is spinning circles. I just returned from a trip that just sanded me down. I'm sure there was some polishing and refining going on, but I don't look or feel it on the outside. All I want is sleep!
I spent a lot of time with people I dearly love who don't work the healing path I'm on.
My house and health are a mess, my friends.
But my soul is as rest, my soul has access to peace and calm!
During my time away, I had two separate experiences where people asked me about my grandchildren.
I'm THIRTY ONE. I'm not done having my own kids yet!
These comments came during the thick of my facing some old trauma that was raked up by situations I was facing, and I wanted to run to the store for some anti-aging cream. Maybe run and get a haircut real quick? Start coming up with an exercise plan to lose weight and look younger?
No, no, no.
The REAL answer is acceptance. Love. Love myself as I am. The comments hurt less when my own self-worth has been buoyed up and fostered.
My prayers during my trip were just so honest. I told God I was sad. I was facing some grief and loss. Shame was on my back, and on top of it all, I'm VAIN. I'm VAIN and 31 and people called me GRANDMA.
I felt so childlike crying up to God, "Am I even loved at all?"
His answer was accompanied by a loving, lifting sensation -the kind He's sent me since I was a child, "You are free."
I am free.
That's what He said.
And as the week unfolded, I saw more and more what He meant. I am not as bound as I once was by fear. Though my pride is still loud and proud (ha!), it doesn't bind me nearly so much as when I didn't EVEN SEE IT AT ALL.
I am free.
Free to take pictures and free to record. Free to talk and write. Free to do that which I'm compelled to.
God is calling, and I must answer though the rewards feel *just* on the other side of mind battles fought in fields of fog as thick as molasses.
Today I am resting up, writing up and laughing at my 4 year old who keeps sneaking kittens in the house. I need laughter daily, just as I need God daily.
I lamented to my mother about the "grandma" comments, "I've always looked older than I am," I said, trying to sort of comfort myself.
"It's because you're confident," she surprised me with her response.
Healing HAS given me access to a place where I don't care what people think of me AS MUCH (still an issue though). I am moving forward without worrying what others will think... willing to sacrifice my marriage if it means getting better both physically and mentally and spiritually. And that is confidence.
THAT is free.
I am free.
When I yoke myself to God, I am free.
He's always pulling funny ironies like that: last shall be first, small shall be great, yoked shall be free.
I love Him for it. I truly do.