Wednesday, December 9, 2015

With Love

I locked you all out for awhile.

It started out from a healthy place... really and truly.  My blog was found by some folk who don't agree with the way I'm living my life, and I shut it down simply to stave off the crazy traffic surge.
"Forty days," I told myself, "A Forty-day break should do it."
During which time I committed myself to a 40-day yoga program (Baron Baptiste) and spent a lot of time re-centering.
The words from The Folks Who Found Me haunted me during this time.  Because, see, they think I'm wrong.
I have a grave fear of being wrong.

I didn't realize how deep this fear ran until I was on the mat during those 30+ days (I didn't finish the program on account of family issues).  As I moved from week-to-week, from position to position, I said to myself, "Alicia, you're doing this wrong."

Alicia, you are bending your knees and you shouldn't.
Alicia, you can't touch your feet and you should.
Alicia, your feet...
Alicia, your hands...

I would try to release tension, mind talk and my own schedule.
Even then, all I could do was, "Alicia, you're not letting go, and you should."

I know you all have an answer for me right now.  I know that my "shoulding" is wrong, and if I had a penny for every person who said, "don't should on yourself" I'd have at least 20 cents.

As I stepped off my mat and went to my kitchen to eat and wash dishes:
Alicia, you're eating wrong.
Alicia, you're washing wrong.
Alicia, couldn't you be cleaner?  healthier?

At work:
Alicia, you could be more efficient.

At the store:
Alicia, you could be saving money better, but you're not.

I have a deep-rooted fear that I'm going to live wrong, and isn't that silly?  Because isn't living wrong a given?  We ALL do it! We are all blessed with weaknesses that are our own uniquely carved pathways leading upward to God!  And don't we know it!  We feel EV.ER.Y step of that uphill incline!

Long story short:
The folks who found my blog took to a forum to discuss exactly what they thought about the way 'm handling things.  And even after I locked my blog down, they shared screen shots they'd taken.

I have spent HOURS surrendering.  And yes:
Alicia, you're feeling this wrong.  If you really believed what you're living, their words wouldn't touch you.


I can argue their points.  I can.  I could apply myself with fervor to their assumptions and perceptions, fight back!  But you know what?  Yeah, you know what, so say it with me, "It doesn't matter."  They can believe what they want, they can say what they want, for it is given unto them.  But one things that rang true time and time again was simply this:

My people are Love People.
They come together to heal and to share.  They uplift, they strengthen.  They say hard things to me, but never out of spite... only out of love.  Christ lived the same way, saying hard things out of love.  And we have to do hard things when we love ourselves.
Please understand that right now in my life, 8 hours of sleep, three meals, and exercise all in one day is VERY hard, but it is the LOVING thing for me to do for me.

The words spoken by The Folks Who Found Me were so hate-filled, so filled with sarcasm and contempt.  It was that very hate that saved me.

There is no truth in hate.
There is no God in hate.
God is truth.
God is love.

I am love.
The Folks Who Found Me are also love, though they aren't feeling it right now.

I will say now that instead of unlocking my blog when I felt I should, I kept it locked out of fear.
Except for that one time when I unlocked it for 5 minutes and locked it again.  I conquered fear for almost 5 full minutes!
Tonight, I'm logging back in from a place of love.  My blog following is very small, my web presence inconsequential.

I don't want to be known or found or shared or loud.
I was a small, tucked away house-by-the-river, barefoot in the kitchen kind of life.

God wants me to share my life anyway.  As soon as I could talk, I shared.
It's a painful thing and a scary thing and sometimes a much-hated thing, but I know how arguing with God goes...
So at the mercy of Him, I'm back.

There is a grand chance I'll be hit with more pain, more doubt and much more opposition.
But God is with me.


  1. I look up to you a lot. I really resonated with everything you said, especially all the shoulding. Thank you for being real and vulnerable and a light. You are heard.

  2. This makes me so sad to read about what has happened to you! Why people add pain to someone already in so much pain, I just don't understand. I'm so sorry.

    I have been reading your blog for a few years and have found much strength from your words. I relate to so much of what you write. The inspiring and courageous ones, as well as the pain-filled ones when the darkness was heavy (heavier). From my little, quiet, tucked away part of the world to yours...I thank you for sharing your journey. Knowing there is someone out there who can speak the words of my heart helps me to feel less alone in this hellish journey.

    1. Thanks, sister... The women I share this journey with are always so incredibly beautiful.

  3. I had an epiphany a few weeks back, when at the beginning of FHE my 5 year old chose to sing "Follow the Prophet," the verse about Jonah. I had to go look the words up for verse 7, I couldn't remember them. As we sang, "When we really try, the Lord won't let us fail. That's what Jonah learned deep down inside the whale." It struck a chord DEEP within me. I went back and reread the story of Jonah and the Whale, and I studied it, allthewhile asking myself if that could be true? When we *really* try, will the Lord not let us fail? I pondered on this the last several weeks. And then about a week ago I was reading Ether 6:1-12 - I think these verses are a great microcosm for life. Jared, his Brother, their family and friends prepared for their journey across the sea. They built boats, using the wisdom and direction of God. They came up with how to light the boats by having Christ touch the 16 stones with His finger. They gathered food and provisions for them and their animals for a journey, which says took them 344 days ( a long time)!! In other words, they tried HARD! Their efforts included study, work, and believing Christ and turning to Him. In those verses it mentions "mountain waves," fierce tempests, and being buried under the sea - and when they experienced fear, they cried out unto the Lord. Despite all of their turbulence the furious wind blew them towards the promised land. It seems as though this could happen because they were giving their best efforts. And it says they sang praises of Thanksgiving to God. In other words they turned to God in the good times, and the bad times - which is exactly what he wants us to do! They were *really* trying! And then, as soon as they reached the promised land, they bowed down and thanked the Lord for their blessing and cried tears of joy! Then, they got right to work cultivating the land and getting settled. All of this to say, I know it's true, when we really try the Lord won't let us fail!! Keep after it! The only way we can fail is to turn away from the Lord, or quit showing up/trying. You are doing great to honor you. These naysayers remind me those who pointed fingers and mocked at those holding fast to the Iron Rod and partaking of the Fruit. You're awesome!! And I don't think taking time away to ponder on something is a bad thing. You need to go at your own pace. I think you are brave, beautiful and amazing!! Keep being you! Keep trying, and you will not fail!! Sending you lots of love!! <3

    1. LOVED ALL OF THIS! Thank you so much for sharing your insights -they are beautiful!

  4. Replies
    1. Camilla! You're a gem -so glad you're in my life.

  5. Your web presence is consequential.
    Thank you for your courage.

  6. I've missed you. So, so glad you are back writing. Your voice matters and your heart and spirit are powerful and good and I am so glad to have you as a friend. So happy you are back online!!

    1. I can't seem to stay away... no matter what. I watched a TED talk today where a woman said she used a really REALLY awful cyber-bullying experience as a ladder toward achieving her goals.

      It's an empowering perspective to take.

  7. Oh my gosh! I am so sorry! It is so hard to be judged for the way we are healing- like being kicked when we are already down.
    You are amazing. You know what's right for you.

  8. Alicia, your story has so many similarities to one I endured a long while ago. The screenshots, the mocking, the hurtful gossip.
    This triggered a lot of pain that I've endured but it was a good reminder. A reminder that I lived through that and have found my Love People.
    Although your story is painful, in a way that I can very closely relate, it is a story of hope and strength. You are a light in the dark, a rainbow after a dark rainstorm. I'm so grateful you were brave enough to write this out. It helped me feel less alone during a trial where much of what I've felt is loneliness and judgement. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being real.

  9. I love you, your courage, and your very consequential presence on the Internet. I'm so very glad you're back.

  10. Love ya sister. Glad to have you back :)

  11. Love ya sister. Glad to have you back :)

  12. Why are stupid people so stupid, that's what I want to know? I can't believe that happened to you.

    I'm glad to see you back online and btw Baron Baptiste rocks! Namaste

  13. You are a beautiful person, Alicia. I was so so lucky to be able to talk with you today. I feel like I've already been your friend for a long time. You resonate with me in so many ways. Thank you for your time and words today. That was such a tender mercy for me. I adore you already.