I began researching recovery about 5 years ago. Two and a half years ago, I began really working it hard.
My recovery work has included reading books, watching clips and movies, writing, journaling, reading scriptures, receiving Priesthood blessings, regular meetings with my Bishop, working the Healing Through Christ 12-step program with a sponsor, and attending meetings via phone or online, reading through the church's 12-steps and attending meetings when possible -leading them in my hometown when anyone showed up, working the s-anon 12-steps with a sponsor, attending Addo recovery's 6-week free program and doing the homework, attending counseling, attending group counseling, working through some of LifeStar (I work the workbooks on my own from time to time), praying, praying, praying, dailies and who knows what else?
I have been BUSY. I can safely say that my life is worked around recovery.
As Danny is moving back in and we're trying to figure out how this all works again, I quit teaching piano lessons and slowed my life WAY down.
I have NOT been working on my physical body. Not even a little. I've been so busy working on my mental, spiritual and emotional health that the physical stuff just fell.
I'm really all right with that because my faulty beliefs about my body were so powerful that I believe had I worked on my physical health, it would have come from a place of loathing rather than a place of love and compassion.
I was excited to notice a few months ago that God was prompting me to start taking care of my BODY. It somehow marked -in my mind -progress! If God felt I was ready to work on my body, I must be READY TO WORK ON MY BODY.
I started out slow: detoxing through drinks and baths, switching out my deoderant for a more natural aluminum-free option, buying new razors (when does THAT ever happen?)...
I went to the store with $50 and spent it all on myself and bought 2 new shirts, among other things.
I buy myself fresh flowers to keep on my piano as well.
I began drinking more water, adding in daily walks. I started emailing my best friend (who works in a health-related field) what I was eating everyday, and she challenged us both to go without sugary treats Monday-Friday.
So I basically went from eating primarily sugary treats to eating FOOD (at least 5 days out of 7, anyway).
Still, the struggles are here. I work on self-care A LOT, and I work on recovery A LOT and still I find that I struggle. Does that mean I'm doing it right? or wrong?
I think it simply means that I'M DOING IT, and when you actively put your mind and shoulder to the wheel, it's a struggle.
I've gone from feeling so much love for Danny to feeling like I can't live with him in a matter of minutes. My anxiety has returned full force and depression is starting to eek it's way back into my life.
It's almost like... Danny got sober -REALLY sober, I mean (he quit actively seeking out lust hits for a year and a half now. And he's almost 3 years sober from porn, I think. I'm not totally certain because I don't keep track like he does) -and NOW the hard stuff is happening.
Isn't that bizarre? You'd think getting sober WAS the hard stuff. It's not. This we now know, and this we now hate.
As I lost my mind two weekends ago, I decided I needed to REST. I figuratively sat down on the mountain climb and just rested. And then I went to get a massage and my massage therapist does "Body Talk" which is energy work. I felt God wanted me to have it done, so I signed up and went.
My massage was wonderful -being touched is something I crave.
The Body Talk was fascinating, and I can now see that along with 12-stepping and therapy and spiritual guidance... it's going to be an integral part of my recovery. My Body need HEALING.
As she worked on me, she uncovered:
*My difficulty with nightmares which is a sign of a greater underlying issue.
*That issue -she found -is death.
*My body required "switching" which means that I'd had so much stress and stimuli coming IN to my body that it just flipped a breaker and shut down.
*I am not processing stimuli correctly. Probably because I'm on overload.
*There are elements in our cells (fire, water, metal...) and my cells are on FIRE. They were begging for more water. "Fire is intellect and wisdom," she said, "And water is listening... things like that. That's strange. Usually this doesn't happen."
"No," I said, "That sounds about right. I'm guzzling info and not listening to anyone AT ALL."
*There is a thick matrix of betrayal around my heart... it is very deep, and present on many levels. She said it was from Danny, but as she worked on me she found that it ran deeper than Danny.
"This has been here all your life. Things have happened in your life to bring this out, and it is also ancestral. When you already come with something like this -a betrayal matrix -and then it manifests itself in your life, it is disturbing and so hard to heal from."
Her words were SO VALIDATING.
I struggle and I work SO HARD to recover, and I was starting to think something was completely wrong with me. But knowing my ancestral history, I believe I DID already come equipped with betrayal issues.
I've been doing some of the exercises she sent me home with, and it is changing a few things. I'm excited to see how it helps, and I am certain that it will.
I'm still laying off sugary snacks on weekdays (and I've lost a few inches and A LOT of water retention), trying to drink more water, walking daily.
I'm giving my body sun and fresh air instead of giving myself a thinner body -does that make sense?
I can see that energy work -Body Talk for me -can be a necessary tool in recovery, and I'm grateful to have landed on it.
My body is giving me a lot of information right now, and I'm trying to be still and listen.