Any strong answer I had well up from inside was only accepted if my Gods stamped their approval on it.
"Don't have sex right now," my insides would scream, "Please, please stop." So to counseling I would go, to the phone, to the masses!
Is it okay for me NOT to have sex right now? I'd ask.
Fear was my constant companion, my guiding star.
Through it all, I was terrified that I would lose my husband.
I was terrified of losing the person who had hurt me, broken my heart and trust, betrayed me and abused me.
So why? Why was I scared?
Because Danny was God. Losing Danny meant -in my life and mind -that I would lose the one thing in my life that mattered most. Danny had my heart fully. I thought about him everyday. I wanted -above all -to please him, to make sure he was happy and do his will... even if it meant giving up my own.
I couldn't fathom a world without Danny, without having a marriage with him intact.
But God is a jealous God. He desires Alicia.
Today, boys and girls, I have NO CLUE if my marriage will last. I don't know if I will get divorced. I don't know if someone else will raise my children. I don't know if Danny will relapse or cheat on me or die in the line of duty. I have no clue when it comes to my relationship with any mortal human.
BUT OF MYSELF I CAN SAY FOR CERTAIN: I will be okay.
I have taken a stand I didn't believe I was allowed to take -I stood up to Danny and told him I could not live with him if there was no recovery. That was risky. I put my marriage on the line FOR MYSELF. I realized after one harrowing day of mistreatment that Danny -though important and worthy of love -WAS NOT MY GOD.
My God Hunger had tried for years be filled with Danny which isn't fair to God, Danny or Alicia. When I began taking my soul appetite to righteousness (it's all very "Blessed are those who do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled") and filling it with GOD HIMSELF, I began to bask in the freedom that comes with leaving the past with the Savior and the future in the hands of God.
Will my marriage be okay?
Will I be okay?
My God is loving, constant, aware, prepared, all-knowing and He WILL NOT FAIL ME. He will not leave me. He will not betray me, control or manipulate me.
God did not want me in my marriage as it was. He was NOT okay with the conditions, the absence of safety and the dysfunction because both Danny and I are better than what we were perpetuating.
Danny rationalized his addiction just as much as I rationalized his behavior.
God desired me -He wanted me to see myself, to start me on the path of living, of becoming who I would be.
I am His. We are intimately connected in a way no mortal can play-out. Ours is a transcendent love -ratting the cages of fear and glaring light into the darkest corners of shame.
God touches my center, and I can do all things. I learn, I seek. Calmness settles on me, and I become sensitive to it's absence. My anxiety is quieted.
I am free from abuse.
I have the answers to my life's questions within.
I have the capacity to change.
I am an agent unto myself.
And so I row into the Sun today, and we talk about life's daily duties. We talk about my failures and we talk about my victories and in the calm chapel of nature, God's presence envelopes me.
Please, I plead, my sweet sister -the power to break free from abuse is WITHIN YOU.God is waiting.
He desires YOU.
He will not fail.
If Fear is your guiding star, remember The Sun -don't sacrifice an internal, eternal summer for starry darkness.